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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE APRIL 4, 1997

BIG TIPS

'Lesbians only,' she told my girlfriend at the door

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

So much has been going on these past few weeks, I can't decide which to focus on. I guess I'll just mention it all. I recently played Esther in a queer Purim play, which was a first for this fallen Catholic girl. I learned about hamantaschen, cookies that remind Jews of the bad guy's three-cornered hat, and that Hadassah was Esther's Jewish name before her cousin changed it so she could pass as a non-Jew in Persia. My trips to the Hadassah thrift store are now much more informed.

I spanked my first straight boy, live, on a radio show last weekend. I've never been that close to a boy's woolly butt since my life drawing classes, and believe me, spanking would have been considered inappropriate there, despite what they say about artists and their morals. If I don't watch out, I'm going to lose my "gold star" status as a lesbian (having never, ever had my way with a lad).

I painted my entire apartment, and wired myself a new phone jack. It was in such a dark corner that I had to use a flashlight to see what I was doing, and I had no way to keep the light trained in the right direction and keep my hands free, until I hit upon tucking

it into my cleavage. Perfect. Who needs a miner's hat?

In my free time, I read all five of Susie Bright's books: S.B.'s Lesbian Sex World, Sexwise, Sexual Reality, Nothing But The Girl, and S. B. 's Sexual State of the Union. If you want to feel up on the popular state of sex, pornography, and queer social mores of the day, I'd recommend these as quite readable, and full of topical conversation fodder.

Phew! When I'm through with this column, I think I'll go lay down in the dark for a bit and rest.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm so mad, and I wanted my girlfriend to write this letter, but she won't, so I will. Last night we went out to a women's bar for a drink. It was right after work, so we were in our day clothes, which for me is pretty casual, but my girlfriend works in an accountant's office, and has to wear a suit. She's very beautiful, and has long wavy brown hair.

When we got to the bar, I walked in first, because she was parking the car, and I had to go to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, I didn't see her at the bar, so I checked at the door. My girlfriend had just

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gotten there, and the woman at the door was telling her, "This is a lesbian bar. " My girlfriend was really upset, and was pointing at me and saying, "I know it is.

Why would anyone be so rude and make assumptions based on how people look? And even if she was straight, why would anyone stop any woman from coming into a women's bar? If she was uncomfortable, she could just leave. Does my girlfriend have to shave her head to get some respect?

Dear Bar None,

Steamed

One of the ways that animals protect themselves and their space is by keeping a sharp eye, ear and nose open for clues that indicate whether or not someone new is familiar enough to give à chance. A prairie dog who welcomes Miss Rattlesnake into her house hole is rarely rewarded for her open mind.

Hopefully, however, queer gals should realize that we don't need to protect ourselves from women who want to quaff a Bud and listen to a little Melissa, unless they are actually brandishing a smashed beer bottle at the door person. Even if the woman is straight, cut the sister some slack. Maybe she just needs a break from the boys, and is willing to trade being cruised by some different characters for a while. Judging people by their appearance is a pretty familiar tactic, and one that has had crappy results like racism, anti-Semitism, and "No Fat Chicks" bumper stickers.

I'm sorry your girlfriend was given a hard time by the woman at the bar, but I'm sure that a firm response that she knows it's a lesbian bar would have done the job. God forbid we all had to shave our heads to be recognized as dykes: As much as I love running my hand over a fresh buzz, I'd miss

grabbing a handful of the long stuff now and again.

Dear Big Tipper,

every

I'm a 19 year old gay man, and I think something is wrong with my testicles. When ever I'm masturbating or having sex, right before I cum, my balls pull back into my body. It doesn't hurt, and they eventually come back out, but I'm afraid sometime they won't. Is this something I should see a doctor about? I'm kind of embarrassed about it.

Dear Action Retraction,

Hiding Balls

Honey, don't worry at all. Almost every man's testicles pull up into his pelvic cavity right before orgasm, especially when they're young. As bodies ages, gravity weaves its spell, and men's testicles hang lower in general, and don't pull up as far when they're scared, or freezing, or about to blow. Your cojones are fine.

Dear Big Tipper,

What is an appropriate punishment for a lover who has put the milk carton back in the refrigerator with an eighth-inch of milk in it, again? No Dairy Fairy

Dear "Got Milk?" Death.

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.

NCAA

SOFTBALL

MAKE NEW FRIENDS!

STAY IN SHAPE!

GET A TAN!

The league also needs experienced scorekeepers (we pay better than the city). Please call the number to the right if you have been trained and kept score in the past.

SOFTBALL LEAGUE

SEEKING NEW PLAYERS

LEAGUE ALSO ACCEPTING NEW TEAMS

CLEVELAND, oh The North Coast Athletic Association, Inc. Softball League is looking for gay, lesbian and gay friendly persons of all skill levels for competitive and rec divisions for the 1997 season. The league, entering its 14th season, meets on Sundays from May 11 through August 24. Current players exhuberantly exclaim how their social lives have exploded since joining the league. One young man was heard saying, "I never knew that playing softball in the afternoon would lead to playing hardball at night!"

The league is looking for individual players and entire teams from all over Northeastern Ohio.

A league spokesperson is urging area athletes and nonathletes alike to leave those inhibitions behind and see what the league has to offer.

Fields in private setting.

▼ Great downtown view.

▼ Competitive and rec divisions after round robin. Fantastic awards banquet. ▼Hot men and women.

TO JOIN, SPONSOR, KEEP SCORE OR BE A FAN: CALL 661-7946 0R E-MAIL NCÀA1@JUNO.COM